A brand new year, a brand new start. But I don't seems to be moving on with life. Kinda sad uh. Well. 2012 isn't been a great year to me at all. Family and relationship crashed on me all at the same time. Sucks.
There's so much pieces of thoughts all over in my mind that I wanted to tell you all so much. But I just don't know how to piece them up and express in words.
2012, I met awesome people, at the same time loses loves one. It's kinda heart wrenching, but life still goes on. Shifted to new house at the first quarter of the year. Really sad that I have to shift out from my old house thanks to my father. At this point of time, it makes me realize that my family really was at the bottom already. I felt it was tearing apart and my relation with dad was getting further and further. I really hate all his doings, hate till the extend that I don't really want to have him in my life. But my heart plays tricks on me. Each time I see him from the back, my heart turns so sour, he looks older, weaker, perhaps lonelier. Sometimes, I really wish he could open up to us and tell us what is going on. But everytime he talks to mum and me was like, urgh forget it. It just makes me tear when everytime I silently look at him. I can feel his loneliness in this house.
S left me, G came into my life. I knew G not long and we got together. Within a short period of 4 months, so many things happened. This two months G really treated my like a princess. Knowing I'm sad and angry, called me through phone, played guitar and sing to cheer me up. Giving in to me everytime we quarrel. I'm so thankful at least someone once pampered me and let me have a tasted of being so pampered. Buying me roses and chocolates. Happiness doesn't last long. We started to have problems. G always said that himself was a rebound of S. I always insisted he is not. Till a point of time he keep saying until I'm confuse about it myself. Maybe he was right. As people always said, 当局者迷旁观者清. You know, I'm stubborn. I realized that I shouldn't be so selfish and keep on holding G when he is suffering, he told me, loving one that does not love back hurts. But he keeps on trying. It really touches me. When things were at the very worst, everytime I met him, I was all silent and he was the one talking. Whenever I hear him talk I would tear without fail. I don't know why. I'm sorry G. Perhaps like you said, I'm immature. Probably, in the beginning, I would have not give in to temptation and accepted so fast. We were way too fast. Things would be fine if back then I made the right choice. But all I know is I never regret with my choice, you made up happy memories in my life. Making me laugh when I was down, really. Thanks for bringing me into your awesome group of cliques too. I am so envy of you having such good buddies with you whenever you encounter things. Giving you opinion when you need, open up to them when you're sad. Yeah, friends are always there for me when I need them, but who is there when I really need them. I can't find one that I can really open up to.
Now that I'm all alone. Spent new year eve alone outside counting down with strangers around me. It's really kinda sad, when it strikes 12, I've got no one to turn to and said Happy New Year to. I almost teared but I told myself its a new year, I should embrace it with a smile. That day really didn't go well for me. The feeling sucks. Now that new year have past, my birthday is coming. No plans no nothing. The only one texted me asking me was only Yanhong. But before she could ask anything, I replied her. Yeah, no plans and you guys doesn't have to make time for me when you all are busy with projects and loves one. Yup, just wanna you all to put studies and your loves one in the first place first. Well, it is kinda sad that we all have drifted so far apart. The only close clique I have all have their cliques now. Even poly cliques also drifted away ever since attachment start and started having gf and bf. Back to G, told him that I've have never had a proper birthday celebration that friends planned everything without me knowing anything. G said that his clique would have that without fail, my birthday would be a different one this year. But sadly, we couldn't last till there, guess I've to spend it how I spent every year. Kinda sad that we have to cancel all these things, even the trip he wanted to bring me to.
This few days my thoughts were killing me. Making me look so pathetic than ever. I wished that I could turn back time. I am really so afraid to be alone. You will never understand that feeling, never.
I'm not worth for anyone. This is what I call Karma.
P/S: now what I wished will never come true because I'm not worth for you
